@IDontSpeakWhine

Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.

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@Reverend_Scott

RANGER: watch out for wolves

ME: oh ya?

RANGER: so relentless-

[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST

@pittdave13

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

@lovemydogduck

I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.

@BenBrouckaert

If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.

@trevso_electric

Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”

@IanDouglasTerry

Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.

@BoomBoomBetty

I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.

@MamaFizzles

I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.

@colleen_eileen

My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot