RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
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*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
I have questions
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot