Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
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Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see
Mandalorian Number Five
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Whenever you’re feeling down and out, just remember that there’s people walking around with Twilight tattoos.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie: There are 4 rules