Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
You Might Also Like
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
real
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.