@momTruthBomb

Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.

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@Nazeefah

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.

@bingowings14

Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.

@Mr_Kapowski

If you’re ever lost in the woods, try to find a bear to kill.

Their claws will provide four sweet breakfast pastries.

@mikeleffingwell

Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.

@Laser_Cat

A fun prank to pull on a neighbor is to introduce a species of invasive grass into his lawn.

@darksidedeb

Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.

@50FirstTates

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

@lisaOoOo

A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.

@stevevsninjas

The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.