Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.

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Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?


Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?


My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.


Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?


A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five


Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?


Whenever you’re feeling down and out, just remember that there’s people walking around with Twilight tattoos.


Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?

Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong

Personal Trainer: Anything else?

Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps


Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie: There are 4 rules