@momTruthBomb

Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.

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@UnFitz

Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?

@TucktheguyFly

Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?

@schumoo

My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.

@lifeattiffanys

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

@JustMeTurtle

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

@Breadery

Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?

@TheMichaelRock

Whenever you’re feeling down and out, just remember that there’s people walking around with Twilight tattoos.

@ArfMeasures

Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?

Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong

Personal Trainer: Anything else?

Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps

@KylePlantEmoji

Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules