@BadMikeyBad

Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats

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@Parkerlawyer

My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.

@DirtMcTurd

My neighbor crashed her car while listening to Adele. She went rolling in the Jeep

@envydatropic

Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are

@Dawn_M_

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

@akerfoot

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

@myonlymizztake

I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.

@kelkulus

The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.

@tigersgoroooar

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH