Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
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stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.