Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
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painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Left at a local drug store…
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Growing up was a huge mistake
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down