Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You’re welcome.

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*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE


I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”


[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something


If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx


Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”

Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great


*Creator of Charlie Brown sits down to draw a cartoon*

What do eight-year-old boys look like again? Bald? It’s bald, right?


I wasn’t mad. Then you asked me 12 times if I was mad. Well, now I’m mad.


I didnt know how to tell this guy at Home Depot his fly was down… and he didnt know how to say thanks when I tried to help him zip it up.


There are two sides to every story. My side and the right side.


*At animal group therapy*

Moderator: introduce yourselves please

Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …

Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…

Sperm whale: do we have to do this?