I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
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INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
🤣
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.