@Mr_Kapowski

Parenting Tip: If your kid gets peanut butter in their hair, rub gum in it to get it out

You Might Also Like

@rmayemsinger

Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.

@WalkingOutside

Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.

@Shenaniglenns

Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO

Me: are they human?

Him: no they’re-

Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer

@randomlawless

My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”

I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.

I win.

@SortaBad

Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done

@Reverend_Scott

I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do

@blaha_Who

You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.

@SamGrittner

I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

@codyspencer0

Somebody said “hey wanna eat this apple” and I said “no thanks I ate a PC for lunch”