Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
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Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
The news
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.