Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Parenting Tip: If your kid gets peanut butter in their hair, rub gum in it to get it out
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Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Somebody said “hey wanna eat this apple” and I said “no thanks I ate a PC for lunch”
You Had One Job!