DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
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So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?