Parenting tip: Keep the spirit of Christmas alive in your kid’s heart by using the threat of Santa’s naughty list throughout the entire year

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Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”


My girlfriend just walked in and called me gay… If
my nails weren’t drying I swear to god…


Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.


ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.

GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.


GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-


Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body

My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream


Of all the grotesque sounds coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most disturbing!!


Remember when you first joined twitter and you had no idea how to RT or what favstar was and remembered what your family looked like?


ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business


My wife doesn’t know this, but for the first 3 years of our marriage I thought we were supposed to share a toothbrush.


Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?

Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.