@Cheeseboy22

Parenting tip: Keep the spirit of Christmas alive in your kid’s heart by using the threat of Santa’s naughty list throughout the entire year

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@Rollinintheseat

Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”

@I_Mee_Myself_

My girlfriend just walked in and called me gay… If
my nails weren’t drying I swear to god…

@Thedudish

Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.

@roxiqt

ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.

GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.

ANGEL:

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-

@thedad

Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body

My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream

@CheryeDavis

Of all the grotesque sounds coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most disturbing!!

@Wussawilla

Remember when you first joined twitter and you had no idea how to RT or what favstar was and remembered what your family looked like?

@huntigula

ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business

@weinerdog4life

My wife doesn’t know this, but for the first 3 years of our marriage I thought we were supposed to share a toothbrush.

@daddydoubts

Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?

Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.