PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
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6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it