[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
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[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!