Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
You Might Also Like
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
“I FIXED IT!”
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Ha.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
good for her
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.