Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
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[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
is there nothing we can trust anymore
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT