Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
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Whisper out to librarians!
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.