I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
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My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.