Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
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[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
lol
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.