Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
You Might Also Like
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Straight people are cancelled
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.