parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
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Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
The three genders
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)