that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
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You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Strangers have the best candy.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy