Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
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Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.