Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex

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Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son



I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit’s door.


Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.


I always put a crouton on my ice cream sundaes instead of a cherry. That way, it counts as a salad!


If by fitness you mean I eat healthy & exercise regularly, then yes, I am not fit.


I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning


5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.


I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.