[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
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Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
starting a garage orchestra
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house