Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
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[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.