Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
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IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.