When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
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I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house