Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
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After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
wait.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.