Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
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“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.