Professor X: what’s your power
Me: I can make anything sexy
Sexy Professor X: how
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
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I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
“Who referred you to us?”
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Top Gun (PG) – 1986
A military jet suffers thru two arrogant pilots’ bro-speak until finally fighting back, killing one of them – 110 mins
A good way to make a car dealer uncomfortable is to say, “Tell me if you can hear this,” and then get in the trunk and start screaming.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
*puts little Santa hat on cat*
Hahaha Santa claws
*puts little Santa hat on dog*
Hahaha Santa paws