Turns out my top three hobbies are:
3) non-essential businesses
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
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[at a wake]
WIDOW: [crying uncontrollably]
ME: [putting my arm around her] I saw you double dip that chip earlier.
FUN PRANK: Put a bike lock on a bike that already has a lock. Leave the owner a note saying you guys share joint custody of the bike now
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
The girl in front of me sped up so I did too. She started to run, just like me. Then she yelled for help, me too. I wonder what we fled from
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.