Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
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Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
12. I think about this all the damn time
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity