Parents: Knock knock.
Me: Who’s there?
Parents: Mom and dad.
Me: Mom and dad who?
Parents: Exactly, you’re adopted son.

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Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*


*Vacuums for three minutes*

“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”


Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.


Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”


Rent should be due every 90 days, every 30 is dramatic. Let’s riot.


I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.


Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?


8yo: Ghosts real?
Me: No!
4yo: I heard groaning last night
8yo: & a bed squeaking and moaning
4yo: What was that?
Me: ..
Them: ..
Me: Ghosts