My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
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My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
i鈥檓 vegan but i鈥檓 not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Put this video in the Louvre
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we鈥檙e trying to have a baby
ME: ok I鈥檒l step outside
Flowers bee like
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father鈥檚 name. You can call me Free To Leave.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 馃幍Sweet Caroline馃幍
From a distance: 馃幍Bah bah bah馃幍
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
reviewed some movies recently
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn鈥檛 know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I鈥檓 pretty sure he thinks I have gas
What do you mean I didn鈥檛 win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.