@prufrockluvsong

Parents: lying is bad

Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11

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@ClichedOut

me: i trained my dog to talk

her: let’s see

me: describe sandpaper

dog: ruff

me: the outer layer of a tree

dog: bark

her: this sucks

me: that little rapper guy

dog: bow wow

@briancthayer

Kids, eat your vegetables.

*reluctantly, they eat*

[2 hrs later]

*I eavesdrop on their convo*

Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.

@iantherage

If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.

@murrman5

[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what

@ShrugLord

It takes more muscles to frown than smile, so I’ll consider this my workout for the day

@jellybnbonanza

I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.

That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.

@dmc1138

“How much to go into this haunted house?”

“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”

“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”

@DreamerDixie

Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?

Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.