@prufrockluvsong

Parents: lying is bad

Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11

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@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk

@Dawn_M_

I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.

@BrainFumbles

“Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the tru-”
I choose dare, your honor
“Bailiff, please hi-five the defendant”

@PinkCamoTO

Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?

Me: As many free office supplies as possible.

@Molly_Kats

What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?

@shawnries

Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.

@david8hughes

Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done

@FrenulumBreve

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*