Parents: lying is bad

Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11

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Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk


I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.


“Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the tru-”
I choose dare, your honor
“Bailiff, please hi-five the defendant”


Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?

Me: As many free office supplies as possible.


What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?


Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.


Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done


*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*