Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
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*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT