me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
me: the outer layer of a tree
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
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Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
It takes more muscles to frown than smile, so I’ll consider this my workout for the day
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.