Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
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“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.