@torlangi_danish

Parents nowadays are afraid to beat their children meanwhile i remember my mom factory reset me with one slap

You Might Also Like

@animaldrumss

Rembrandt was unsurpassed in his ability to depict light and shadow in his works, until the camera came out. then he got insanely surpassed

@sugarwits

Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates

@batkaren

What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?

@badbanana

Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.

@Laser_Cat

Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.

@good_one_rick

I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.

@djdarrellripley

Cop: Could I have your name?

Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.

*Send Bail Money*

@gruffybeard

Her: Why’s the couch smell like pee?

[Flashback to me watching The Ring alone]

Me: *points at son* I think someone had another “accident.”