Parents nowadays are afraid to beat their children meanwhile i remember my mom factory reset me with one slap

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Rembrandt was unsurpassed in his ability to depict light and shadow in his works, until the camera came out. then he got insanely surpassed


Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates


What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?


Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.


Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.


I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.


Cop: Could I have your name?

Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.

*Send Bail Money*


Her: Why’s the couch smell like pee?

[Flashback to me watching The Ring alone]

Me: *points at son* I think someone had another “accident.”