parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
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Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
*Seductively hides in the woods
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Hmm, not sure about this change
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.