@CrockettForReal

Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho

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@CroweJam

I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.

@eyeswidebutt

did you write “call Gary in HR for lots of really disappointing and hairy sex” on the bathroom stall?

[wearing my “I hate gary” tshirt]: no

@roboticcrab

*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance

@GensPlace

I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.

@Shawn_spree

Cry if you missed someone.

Try to shoot them again before they leave.

@Darlainky

My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.

@cloudypianos

“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years

@chuuew

JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape

@SaraMansford

Maybe artists wouldn’t be so starving all the time if they’d just eat all that fruit they’re always painting.