Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
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*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
yes yes a thousand times yes!
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Yeah. This was me today.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.