Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
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“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?