@GrantTanaka

parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are

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@abbycohenwl

Bad Responses to “I love you”:
– I’m sorry
– Lol good luck with that
– Who isn’t?
– I know, mom
– Does that mean I can have your office
– You fool. You silly little fool
– Prove it by naming me as your sole life insurance beneficiary

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: oh no

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

@michael_raphone

INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

@ArfMeasures

Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids

Wife: When?

Me: Between 2 and 5

Wife: Ok

Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6

@thedad

WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.

[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?

@Home_Halfway

{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear

@slaughthie

I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you