Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
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[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.