Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
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Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.