-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
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I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
*power walks to the refrigerator*
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
My dog ate my work from home.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t