No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
You Might Also Like
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
lmfao come on
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.