@ruinedpicnic

parents, think twice before dressing your child as Cecil the Lion this year. my son will be dressed as a dentist, and I gave him a real gun

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@Bandersnaaatch

Enjoyed the Nutcracker tonight.
(The ballet, not my signature sex move.)

@Love_bug1016

No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.

@Jenny4ashley

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

@SyrupTishus_01

A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

@tastefactory

*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.

@ObscureGent

Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.

@rcromwell4

Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.

@jwalkonthemoon

It’s stupid that “girl” and “world” are rhymed together so much in songs when “squirrel” is right there for the taking.

@CulturedRuffian

My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.