Enjoyed the Nutcracker tonight.
(The ballet, not my signature sex move.)
parents, think twice before dressing your child as Cecil the Lion this year. my son will be dressed as a dentist, and I gave him a real gun
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No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
First rule of Water Boarding Club:
1. You will talk
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
It’s stupid that “girl” and “world” are rhymed together so much in songs when “squirrel” is right there for the taking.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.