A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
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Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
My purse is deeper than some people.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
79.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.