@dshack8

Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.

Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.

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@BeeeejEsq

“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”

@sagarcasm

After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.

@GrandadJFreeman

My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.

@jordan_stratton

Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

@AaronFullerton

“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”

@I_am_carbs

ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip

@ilovepie84

I mean at some point we’ve all tried to see if we could move an object with our mind.

@Swishergirl24

Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.

@gurl_sour

I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.

@shutupmikeginn

In order to save space, Ricky Gervais & Seth McFarlane are both one guy now. Frankly, it’s been a long time coming