Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
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“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!