Parents: What foreign language class are you taking this year? Me: Math.

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I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.


At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.


Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.


Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.


Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again


Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!

Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.


When girls ask if I’m good in bed, I tell them “Of course, how hard is it to close your eyes and literally do nothing for 8 hours”.


Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again

Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony

Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one