Parents: What foreign language class are you taking this year? Me: Math.

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I think I’m gonna shave my legs so that there’s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.


Me: You’re going to prison?

My French accountant: Oui

Me: WE are going to prison?


You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins


Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?


WEBSITE: You must be legal age to view this content. What year were you born?

ME AT 13: [Playing it safe] 623 BC


Yeah baby, I’m the lead singer in a band. Well, more of a backing singer. More of a Drummer. Triangle player..Roadie. I Saw a band once.


Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?


I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?


Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.


MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.