PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
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I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?