PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
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I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
This is always good for a laugh.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
cats when you pet them too long:
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me