ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
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Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
My picky niece just complimented me on my deviled eggs.
*adds gourmet chef to resume
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Me: *blankets pulled up to my neck* Hey baby
Wife: Oh my God. Are you naked under there?
Bed Bath and Beyond Employee: Can I help you folks find anything?
“You look nice.”
“DO I EVEN MAKE YOU HAPPY?!?”
“Mom told me not to date a goat.”
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Hideous monsters for sale! Selling cheap! Crazy wild beasts! Won’t last long!
“Honey, stop trying to sell the kids.”
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!
-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Knee socks are a hard look to pull off when you’re only 5’2. I don’t even have legs