@KrangTNelson

PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000

ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!

*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*

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@ohmygrapeness

Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.

@inmyimage007

My picky niece just complimented me on my deviled eggs.

*adds gourmet chef to resume

@princesscryanna

Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us

Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: *blankets pulled up to my neck* Hey baby

Wife: Oh my God. Are you naked under there?

Bed Bath and Beyond Employee: Can I help you folks find anything?

@Sickayduh

“Nice place!”

Mmmehh

“Hungry?”

Mmmehh

“You look nice.”

Mmmehh

“DO I EVEN MAKE YOU HAPPY?!?”

Mmmehh

“Mom told me not to date a goat.”

@Ndeshi_M

Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.

~ my pants right now

@Iwriteforcats

Hideous monsters for sale! Selling cheap! Crazy wild beasts! Won’t last long!

“Honey, stop trying to sell the kids.”

@Marlebean

They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!

-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale

@WinterRae82

Knee socks are a hard look to pull off when you’re only 5’2. I don’t even have legs