Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
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Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood