Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
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[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
me hooking up with my ex
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim