@MomOf2Happas

Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.

You Might Also Like

@electrolemon

i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”

@Darlainky

Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.

@TweetPotato314

People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.

@omgthatspunny

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

@DropsNoPanties

Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.

Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!

@clindsaysway

The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.

@petemandik

Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.

@Zenaida__3

Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house

@writerPT

I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.