i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
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Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Friend: What time is it?
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.