Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
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Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Schrödinger’s cookie
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???